Life as we knew it OVER.......

 My child Caylyn is the child of Autism another little one robbed of a voice by something so many do not understand
the world is blind to see such , and the world is far to judgemental
This is the scary part of raising a child with Autism THE WORLD, not because i do not except my child but because the world does not except my child
Not because i do not love my child but because the world is cruel place anymore.

Many day's i wonder what this world is coming to but then again do i really wanna know?
I have decided to start to blog because i am a single mother to Caylyn , it is just me and Caylyn that is it ...
Our family has seemingly disapeared into abiss once my child was diagnosed, my friend's well let's just say they have no time to be friend's with someone with a child.

I am attempting college but can only do so thru online classes like i have said before it is just Caylyn and i and that means everything falls onto my shoulder's to care for Caylyn.
(NOT complaining) I mean look at this face who could complain?
But my point being it is a tuff job someday's i look at Caylyn and i wonder am i doing the right thing?
Is she getting the all the help she needs?
I am constantly doing research looking for new way's to help Caylyn after the endless amount of therapist in our home daily.
But somday's it is just too much for me to bare, someday's it is one of those day's to sit down and cry.

I do not understand Autism and why it does what it does , i do not understand why my child? But then i realize Autism does not discriminate
and i have learned to never think anything is impossible because at the end of the day , i am left sitting here reeling the effects .
"Because i once was one of the parents whom once said " that would never happen to my child "
Because it did .

I was not alway's a single mother sure there was a time when Caylyn's father was around during my pregnancy a little bit and a little after she was born.
But he never went to anymore of my doctor visits , ultrasounds it was apparent from the day that stick said pregnant that he kinda got it in his head
that he was not responsible for the human life we had made TOGETHER.
At first it was humours to me at first i cracked jokes to my so called friends but then when my daughter was born the jokes no longer were funny
and it was no longer humouros it was time to face the facts.
I was a single mother , and when my child was born it was apparent from the start her chances of having a normal life were slim.
With lack of oxygen due to cord being wrapped and cutting off her air supply and her inhalling meconium into her lungs.
Life as we knew it was OVER. The worst part of it all Caylyn's father disappeared shortly after me giving birth.

The night i was released from the hospital her father never showed up to take us home, and his phone was off it only meant one thing .
It was time to move on , start over and build a life for me and Caylyn. Sure i could do this sure i could do the whole single mother
thing plus work and be in college.
HA HA HA HA boy was i WRONG !!!

I went back to work when Caylyn was 2 weeks old bills needed to be payed a mother must do what a mother must do . I worked overnights and went straight from work to school till 12pm everyday expect the weekend .
Caylyn's father was around but barely kinda a only when convient thing.
Boy he had the life i tell you ...

So here i sit today reeling in the effects of life as we knew it OVER.. There is no going back redoing this is my child.
I love her just as any other mother would , but our lives have been turned upside by Autism and Cerebral Palsy.
The life we now know includes endless amount of specialists , therapists and hospitals. Weekly weight checks and the constant threat of a feeding tube.
Yep life as we knew it is over but honestly i would not trade our lives for the world . Everything happens for a reason, yes there is reason behind everything. Wether we know it or not. There is a reason and god gave me a beautiful blessing who i love so dear................

Struggles and wonders all in the name of love....

So i have hardly any time to blog but being my daughter is sick ( yes once again) i might as well take advantage . I have been struggling with so much lately not so much regarding C but life in general . Have you wondered why your child was born the way they where born?
Has it ever crossed your mind the feeling of wanting to understand and having closure?

I truly beilive that everything happens for a reason and someday's i sit here and i think i know exactly those reason's why my child was born the way she is. But then i realize that i truly honestly do not and may not ever know nore understand why my child has Autism.
I am a mother who grieves quietly to herself , because growing up i was taught grieving for the world to see is a sign of a weakness. To this day for some reason i am stuck thinking that way. So i have had my moments where i just stare at my child and watch how she struggles , how frustrating it is for her to do the simple thing's we take for granted and i feel the tears gently rolling down my face.

I am very careful to not release my emotions in front of C because she has a complete meltdown so i cry silently and i act quickly to wipe my tears off my face. Seeing your child sitting there frustrated to the point they start slamming there head into the floor can be the one event to make you loose it emotionally at any point and time. Am i right? Anyone else ever have this issue with there child?

I have gone thru my grieving and i am at the bridge where i am driven to help not only my child but many other children and families by doing research , running our facebook awareness page and sharing our experiences. But i want to do so much more then that. But currently i am unable to do anymore then that.

\ I am finding myself greiving in so many way's i have not grieved yet. I am not grieving in a way some would understand. Perhaps some would think why greive?
the answer is simple i am not grieving a death but i am grieving the life i had imagined for my child.
If you asked me when i was pregnant the life i had imagined for my child did not include the word's Autism, the word's Cerebral Palsy or Sensory seeking or Sensory disfunctions.

The life i had imagined for my child included happiness, laughter , meeting her milestones . Being able to walk , being able to communicate . Not having to live going to hospitals, specialists .  Instead god has blessed me with a little girl who has taught me more then i could of learned in life in just 2 years.
My child has taught me to exactly what i need to learn thing's i should of learned years ago .
Everything i have learned could be summed up just by saying appreciate every moment you have with your child. Appreciate the little bit of eye contact you gain , treasure the moment's when they utter's word's even when they repeat it 30 times, treasure it . word's are precious .
Grasp those moment's of actual being able to sit down and play with your child those moment's are rare.
Enjoy those moment's of when you can escape for a few minutes or even a few hours to renew your inner spirit.
Too many of us take so much for granted you just never know when your life will be touched by a child with special needs. So hug your child and make sure everyday every moment you get you tell them you love them. Because special needs children need to be reassured specially in the time's of struggle.

Have you hugged your child today?

Some truly amazing blogs to follow.......

I have the blessing of knowing some amazing bloggers and would highly suggest you to head over and follow them.
Here is some of my favorites
A truly gifted and crafty momma. Head on over and check her out.
http://cgregoryrun.blogspot.com/2012/01/in-no-way-am-i-perfect-version-of.html?spref=fb


My other favorite blog this momma will knock your socks off. Head on over and follow her .
http://www.fourmonkeys4me.com/